Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine

Uncorking the beauty of parenting

Having kids kills your sex life

There are people out there who claim their sex lives never changed after they had kids, and still others who say they started having sex more once their little ones were born.

I’m calling BS.

Now don’t get me wrong – I like a good roll between the sheets. But I’m hard pressed to believe anyone’s sex life remains unchanged or increases after kids enter the picture.

I just don’t see how that’s possible.

Unless you weren’t having much sex to begin with, of course. And if that’s the case, I am so very, very sorry . . .

Then again, if you weren’t having much sex before you had kids, you probably aren’t bitter like the rest of us at the drastic decline in “relations” that parenthood brings. Maybe that’s the trick – set the bar really low from the get-go so you always come out on top (so to speak).

Anyway, let’s stop ragging on the prudes and get down to the topic at hand, shall we?

Having kids kills your sex life

Alright, so I’m no expert when it comes to relationships or sex, but it would seem there are 5 distinct phases couples go through in the bedroom.

1. Dating. Oh, how I loved this stage. You remember what it was like – every time you saw each other, it was all you could do to keep your paws off each other. I believe I spent the first 6 months of my relationship with my husband with JBF hair. What’s that, you ask? What’s JBF hair? Think about it: “Just Been . . . ” WHOOPS!

2. Living Together. This starts out really exciting – since almost every date you have leading up to the moment you move in together ends with sex, you naturally assume you will now be having sex every day. Bah-hahahaha!

3. The Pulling Of The Goalie. Also known as the “we’re trying” phase, this is a magical, magical time because, almost as soon as you ditch the birth control, you are magically transported back to the Dating Phase. It is glorious. For about a month. But the longer it takes your husband to knock you up, the more sex starts to feel like a (mostly fun) science experiment.

4. We’re Pregnant! When you enter this stage of your relationship, you will be on cloud nine. But then morning sickness will kick in, and let me tell you – nothing gets a guy in the mood more than hearing his partner yak several times a day. The good news is, you start to feel better by your second trimester. The bad news is, a lot of men aren’t overly interested in doing the deed once your belly starts to grow. Something about poking the baby (men like to flatter themselves, don’t they?).

5. We’re Never Having Sex Again Parents. Once you hit this phase, sex as you know it will never be the same again. Ever. You now have to schedule it around naps and bedtime, and when you do muster up the strength to do the deed, you have to pray like hell the baby doesn’t wake up . . . because the sound of crying or happy chattering is an instant mood killer.

Now, I’m sure there are more than just 5 phases in this whole cycle of love, but The Hubs and I aren’t there yet. My guess is that, once The Kid starts school a couple of years from now, this whole process will come full circle and The Hubs will start coming home for nooners again.

If I’m incorrect in this assumption, please do me a favor and keep that piece of information to yourself.

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96 Responses

  1. This is all SO TRUE!! Love that you called it on the people who claim the post-kid phase is glorious. If they are telling the truth, they can’t really be human…!

  2. Love it! I have to agree on these 5 stages…but there are more ahead. Sorry. There are. But I get the sense that you’d rather believe your sex life will pick up around the next corner, so I’ll just zip it.

  3. lol, men *do* like to flatter themselves with that particular “concern.” Mine even asked the OB if it would “touch” and she laughed in his face. That was a fun appointment. :-)

  4. Sure have your delusions of grandure about when the kid goes to school….and why is it the guy’s fault on knocking you up?

  5. I love how you broke it down into phases! I’m still laughing at JBF. Hilarious!

  6. Love it!! The dating phase was my favorite also….to be 20 something again

  7. This is an accurate portrayal of the phases my husband and I have been through the past two years. I am certainly enjoying life at the moment, but am looking forward to the next phase when we have the bedroom to ourselves again. :)

  8. I LOVE this!! And “JBF Hair” is the direct result of wearing “FM Red Lipstick” :-) Priceless. I’m going to be laughing ALL DAY!

  9. It didn’t change for us till our 3rd… We have 3 under 3 and never had a problem getting at least once a day till 3 came along… He’s super needy and now it is just like you said lol! Wait for bed time and conjure up enough energy to stay awake haha! We also resorted to waiting till dinner time when everyone is in their high chairs and put on some Dora haha! Gotta do what ya gotta do and you have to make it a priority or before you know it it’s been a week and that sucks!

  10. LOL. Great post. JBF hair is actually a great look in my opinion.

  11. JBF hair works for me! Very Rock n Roll. ,). This was so funny!

  12. JBF hair… nice!
    We went through dry spells, etc, but we’re one of the odd couples who have been “getting more done *winkwinknudgenudge* now that our kids are older and we’re done having them. All of what you said is true; but honestly, communication is what saved the bedroom life for us. That, and hubby deciding he didn’t have to be a prude with me. ;)

  13. [...] wife will be be sporting JBF hair in no time. Related [...]

  14. [...] my post Having Kids Kills Your Sex Life is being featured over on Bonbon [...]

  15. How I missed this the first time out, I am not sure, but you certainly described the stages quite perfectly and so true about men during pregnancy (seriously what makes them ever think that will poke the baby is beyond me!). Thank you for a good laugh though this morning and if you find my sex life please return it, lol!!

  16. sue diamond-phillips says:

    Brilliant. I miss the dating phase sooooo much:(

  17. Hilarious and oh-so-true! Great post! (Found you via Bonbon Break, by the way.)

  18. Truth! It seems like every time my husband and I get to “that point” we hear the pitter patter of little feet heading towards our bedroom. Gives new meaning to “Come Quick!”…er…cum quick?
    So happy to see you at Bonbon Break!!

  19. Oh, what a pleasant surprise to discover this little gem on Finding the Funny today. Truth.
    Seriously, thank the gods for 50 Shades…I can always pull that one up on my Kindle when I need some inspiration! ;)

  20. You left out a phase. It’s the “Husband works all the time and feels that sex is too much work” phase. :-/

  21. And let’s not forget to add the part about the lack of hormones as we get older causing us to NOT want to have sex anymore. Sadly that is where I am right now. But my husband is still acting like an 18 year old. I envy women that still “want” it.

    • Ugh, I’ve heard that happens. Can’t they give you a cream or something to help with that?! ;)

      • An occasional glass of wine at dinner helps me here. Not so much for hormones (I’m 27) but the I’m exhausted-I’ve spent all day playing airplane-Running kids around-Doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning and I’m ready for bed syndrome. Wine makes me giggly and happy and a *little* touchy feely ;)

      • Sadly, I’m not an “occasional glass of wine” drinker. :) But I know what you mean – it definitely helps to loosen you up and make you forget about being tired!!!

  22. Snort.
    Then there is the phase where, you put a movie on for the kids, race upstairs, and have gotten off ONE SOCK when there is a knock at the door, asking “Mom!?! How do you spell ‘PUKE’?”

    The only thing to kill the mood faster is a phone call from his mother. I swear she’s clairvoyant.

  23. Lord yes. All of it. Farmer Bob and I often reminisce about the “dating phase” and how incredible it was. Now here we are, 5 kids later. What I would give for some JBF hair every once in a while. Now it’s “make sure your clothes are on right side out and your hair is presentable”. pffft.

  24. My husband and I miss the before kids phases, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. My parent’s hit the dating stage once my brother and I were gone. To bad it feels like forever before we all get there!

  25. Haha, love the picture at the end :)

  26. “The Goalie Has Been Pulled Phase” — I love that title!

  27. If I had a quarter for every time I basically got caught trying to do the damn thing… I’d be a millionaire.

  28. I’m in the “Oh please let me get more than three hours of sleep tonight and then I’ll have sex again phase.” Sleep is still trumping sex.

  29. Haha! It’s been better so far, probably because the combination of a high-risk pregnancy and the whole “maybe I’ll hit the baby in the head” problem resulted in a nine-month sex drought. Also because I read the 50 Shades trilogy right before I had the last baby, which resulted in me attacking my husband as soon as I could move without ripping my C-section incision open.

    We’ve been together for 18 years and there have been some definite troughs in there…I’m glad we’re on the upswing, kids or not.

  30. It does get easier when the kids are in school.

  31. So true, and I totally love that photo at the end!!

  32. Hilarious post. So true. There’s definitely a Phase 6. And while it might not measure up to the Dating Phase, it’s not half bad. Hang in there, mama! Until then: drink wine. :)

  33. Well, ours was fourth months of dating/drunk-sex-without-a-condom phase (What were we thinking? Don’t ask me, ask my twenty-one-year-old self!!) followed by the “Oh crap, we’re pregnant” phase. Followed by the move-in-with-his-parents phase… Man, it’s been a wild ride! Six years, a marriage, and a seven-month-old baby later, we still manage to sneak it in a good amount. ;) Although if we go a week without it, my hubby will tell you it’s been a month. Haha! My advice: make every opportunity COUNT. ;)

  34. I got divorced before the cycle could start over. I just know that working full time plus kids means I really am too tired.

  35. Yes. Truth! Now I get all excited when my husband tells me, “Honey, both of the kids are sleeping.” It’s a rare and special ocassion. I loved the titles of your phases too.

  36. LOL! All so true. There is also a certain point where you become so sleep deprived that an extra 30 minutes of sleep is 11 million times hotter and more appealing than sex.

  37. you know someone who claims they have more sex with kids??? come on!! and just so you know, after the “i couldn’t give a shit if i ever have sex, all i want to do is sleep, please leave me alone” you’ll find. “Ah, the kids are older and they understand, “go away.” That’s the stage where you get some mojo back. it’ll happen. enjoy each stage, they all have their own merits. :)

  38. Yeah, I think you pretty much nailed it here. Pun intended.

  39. Me and my hubby went through all these phases. We’ve got three little ones now, all three and under. We eventually tuned out the cries, turned some cartoons on, and hoped for the best. Even if it’s only five minutes before the kids are knocking on the door. We’ve learned to make the best of those five minutes. Lol.

  40. [...] a different point of view, visit my brilliant friend Dani at Cloudy, With A Chance of Wine and read Having kids kills your sex life, but then, pop over to when she changes her mind and tells you the 5 ways sex gets easier once you [...]

  41. [...] 30. Kids really do kill your sex life. [...]

  42. It may be because we are so young, but we definitely didn’t have these problems lol. At 23 and 25 with a three year old, the longer we are married the better it gets. We do have more sex now than when we were dating, but I was a teenager living at home sooo that’s probably why.

  43. Yes, there are other stages and it gets worse before it gets better. (try having good sex QUIETLY while teenagers are in the house!) BUT….empty nester sex!!!!! Probably not as often as the dating stage. You dont want to kill each other, after all.. But you suddenly have an empty house, no listening ears and no threat of pregnancy. JBF hair is back! :)

  44. Hum êtes vous certain de ce que vous écrivez ?

  45. Euhhh êtes vous sûr de ce que vohs nous dites ??

  46. This is so true! but I think we can turn it around too!! Is important to be sensual even when you have kids!

  47. This is right on! I’d like to add the “Reigniting the Flame” phase, where you both try really hard to make it happen with candles/movies/lengerie, etc……and it feels a little awkward because you just finished wiping your kids’ butts before bed and right in the middle, you’ve got the knock on the door and you try to ignore it, but you really can’t……

  48. We’ve started to use the ol, “do you want to watch a movie while we sneak in our bedroom closet/bathroom for a few minutes”, yes and when it’s so long in between it is just “a few minutes”.

  49. So true! We may not be able to control the kiddo factor — or even the hubby factor — but we can control how we feel. On a more serious note, for those that are complaining about lack of energy/interest, I encourage you to have your hormone levels checked. It’s not uniquely a menopausal thing. Sometimes our bodies don’t ‘right’ themselves post-partum. Our youngest was 18 mos old and my doctors that kept ignoring me when I told them how awful I felt and that it seemed like my hormones were out of whack — including my FEMALE internal med primary care doc & my FEMALE OB/GYN, both of whom are well into their 40′s. Long story short I ended up on pellet therapy. I would say I’m back to my old self but I think I’ve even improved on that!
    Here’s to feeling vibrant & engaged with our loved ones and sneaking the hanky panky in when we can!!!

  50. Not being able to have kids has seriously damaged our sex life. It’s not even close to being fun anymore. These days I just smile and fake my way through. Once you realize that if you’re ever gonna pregnant it’ll be in a doctor’s office, it’s just not the same anymore. I would love to be able to say that this was happening due to kids, but that will never happen.

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